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infancy loss rememberance day

October 16, 2014

had I killed you myself
or seen a clinician
half the world would be up in arms
to call me a butcher
and you a victim
and staff accessories
and the whole thing depravity

and you’d have been
although unseen
in a morbid way
a drama queen

the other half would be arms up in
celebration of freedom
-mine apparently
-though what of yours?
theatrics of a different cause

my life my choice
my right to choose
But where the voice
for those we lose?

So as you came
and as you went
without a breath
without so much as
one moment spent
enduring an ounce
of this earth’s gravity

weightless waters
your cosmos brief
and where float or swim
or sink you now?
you lie still in
my womb of grief.

yet you were here with heartbeats a plenty
(and my pulse at least a hundred and twenty)
and as no hand was raised
to usher you away
or protest your mysterious slay
you simply arrived
and lived and died
all of your own accord
Or was it entirely
the hand of the Lord?

No one speaks
no one knows
nothing to see
nothing to show
nothing to say
no song and dance
except i knew, I felt, I lived
so deeply where you were

and still I know, I feel, I love
though only faintly did you stir

On infancy loss remembrance day we recognise the experience of men and women who are deeply affected by the briefest of lives. In a culture which celebrates visibility, and achievement, the unseen experience with no tangible product is easily, but painfully neglected. However it is that our little ones lived and died, whether by miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion or neonatal death, those who knew them, know that shortness of days does not reduce the impact of a child’s life. For both mothers and fathers, and siblings too, for those for whom it was sudden, a long excrutiating emerging reality, a considered or pressured or inevitable decision, the mark of these lives is profound. This is not a day for judgement on the hows or whys. This is a day for listening to raw rememberings, the tanglements, tortures, the wonderings and the wilderness of being life-givers and life-grievers. Be gently with one another.

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